Tuesday, July 29, 2008

That is why we have them, right?

When I was a teenager in high school a long time ago, my friends and I would sit around the lunchroom table and plan our futures. What kind of man would we marry? What would our children would be like? Most importantly, we would talk about the horrible awful things we would do to our kids insuring years of therapy and then roll with laughter. This included things like pretending we didn’t know them when they came home from school. Maybe rearranging the furniture in the rooms so they couldn’t find their bedrooms. Hide the family pet in a room and tell them that’s what they’re eating for dinner. And finally, instill in them a fear of sugar like Pavlov’s dog so that every time they are presented with a sugary treat they recoil in fear, then send them of f to birthday parties and let the hilarity begin. Now before you all get your shorts in a wad this was long before we had children or any concept of what child rearing was all about and we were only looking for laughs.

The actual raising of children has taught us how to torment them. You catch them unaware as they come out of the bathroom in a dark hall and scare them silly. This is especially fun because once they get up off the floor they will be laughing hysterically and squealing, “Do it again Mommy.” The fun thing is if they are young enough you can do it again right away and it will scare them again. In fact, you can do it 10, 15 or even 20 times in a row and they will squeal fall down and say, “Do it again.” It is a lot of fun with the young ones.

When they get older, the torment must become more sophisticated. When my son was 10, he desperately wanted a play station. For his birthday we got him one and his dad decided to hook it up so once he new what he had he could begin playing immediately. The night before his birthday my husband opened the box, set up the equipment, and put in a game so it was ready to go and then for fun he wrapped the empty box. The next day the birthday boy unwrapped the box and squealed with delight and then he opened the box. He looked at us puzzled and said, “It’s empty.” I shrugged my shoulders and said, “Bummer it must have been an error at the manufacture. We will have to go back and get another one.” At this point, he all but started crying and I must admit I felt bad. We showed him the play station all set with a game ready to play. He wiped his eyes, swore revenge, and started playing a game with is dad.

The next awful thing I did was about a year and a half later. The switch to our garbage disposal is about three feet away from the disposal so you have to walk away form it to turn it on. One day I was cleaning the kitchen and needed to run it. My son was standing by the switch getting something out of the cupboard so I asked him to switch it on. As soon as he did I screamed as though I had my hand in the disposal. Good boy that he is he switched it off and yelled “mom are you ok!” I was laughing so hard I could hardly talk. I think he told me he hated me.

For Aprils fools s day this year his Dad and I got him so good. He is attending a college prep school. Last year was the very first year of operation and we are all excited about the education he is getting from this new school. However, it is limited in how many students can attend. While it is a public school, each grade level is limited to 60 students. There is a long waiting list of parents who would like this type of education for their child and will probably never get the chance due to the limited class sizes. In early April of last year the school district hired a new superintendent. With this knowledge, we concocted a brilliant April fool’s joke. We told Cody that his new school was being closed because it was too exclusive and the new superintendent felt that was not what the school district was all about. He was not to worry though because while we did not want him placed in the regular junior high school there were several charter schools we were looking at. If we needed to, his Dad would work at Pizza Hut on the weekends so we could send him to a really good private school. We had him going. He really thought his school was closing and he said he did not want his dad to wok another job because he was hardly home now. He caught on when we stated laughing at him and he proclaimed, “You suck.”

Moreover, even though I am already trying to come up with a good prank for next year I cannot help but wonder, is it really a good idea to torment one of the two people who may someday be responsible for choosing a home for me when I get old?

Thursday, July 17, 2008

What is red, white, and sore all over?

The answer would be me. I took the kids over to my friend’s house for lunch and a swim yesterday. My friend and fellow lunch lady watches her granddaughter a couple of days a week. She thought this would be a good opportunity for them to get together because they are very close in age. My son was included and came along as well for part of the time. He had arranged with a neighbor friends to have his mom pick him up at my friends house take them to another friends house where they could swim at his pool and I would pick him up and bring him and his friend home afterwards. It worked out quite nicely.

After a very tasty hot dog lunch, the children ran to the pool and I changed into my swimsuit and joined them. We were floating around when one of the little girls yelled, “Spider ginormouse spider. “ I hate spiders but I am thinking ginormouse is like the size of the end of my pinkie. My son swims over to where the spider is near the pools drain inlet thing. He called out to me, “mom you have to see this thing.” I’m thinking you big baby and I swim over to see what I think is a little spider and I swear from like three feet away I see this thing its light brown and the size of a small crab.

I mean it is huge and scary and I do not want to get anywhere near it. My friend comes out, we tell her, she backs up, and she is not even in the water. She asks my son to get something and kill it. My son backs further away form the spider and joins the girls. He does this for their protection from the spider. Yeah that’s why. That leaves me to tackle and kill this beast. I ask her to hand me my daughter’s shoes a pink plastic shoe with a sturdy sole just right for dispatching spiders to spider hell or so I hope. I approach the spider slowly, I place the shoe beneath its body, and I prepare to strike only to have it jump away scary me and everyone around me who scream, “Did it go down the drain”. “Nope its right here I’ll try again” I bravely reply and this time its on the side and I place the shoe over but I have to press really hard because its really big and its gross and then I swear it went crunch. I scrape the shoe on the ground and leave bug guts. The spider is dead and my friend asks my son if she gets him a paper towel will he wiped it up and throw it away. My son backs even further away from the spider. I wipe it up and hand her the remains and she throws it away and only then does she enter the pool.

I then spent the next few hours basking in the glory of my awesome spider killing abilities and burning to a crisp. If you want, to know what I looked like picture a ripe red tomato with blond hair and that is me.

I dyed it for my Vegas trip which when I get the pictures back from my friend I will write all about but just so you know it was the best time I have ever had with people I am not related to. I forgot you could still be burned even when you are submerged in the water. I had forgotten how bad a sunburn feels became normally I shun the sun because I burn easily. However, the sunburn has reminded me how much I dislike people who think it is somehow very funny to slap sunburn. Why do they do that? It hurts people OK don’t do it. In fact, I am thinking of starting an awareness group and calling it PPASS or pasty people against sunburn slappers. I am think of this for our slogan, don’t be an ass support PPASS. What do you think?

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

What kind of sandwich are you?

I am a grilled cheese sandwich and not because I am crusty on the outside and gooey on the inside but because I am a traditional person with very simple tastes.In my opinion, the best things in life are free, easy, and fun.I totally go with the flow. And I enjoy every minute of it!
Maybe I am a little crusty on the outside but the ointment has cleared that all up.
My best friend: The Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

My mortal enemy: The Ham Sandwich
If you want to find out what kind of sandwich you are check out RT who by the way is a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Tainted treats.

What does a teenager in the Dallas Fort worth area have in common with little red riding hood? Other then a basket full of goodies not much. This teenager was not so much a Little Red Riding Hood as simply a little hood. Instead of delivering a basket of goodies to his sick grandmother, he delivered a basket of tainted goodies to make cops sick. The goodies appear to have been laced with powerful hallucinogens. They knew something was wrong when the y noticed none of the vending machines had any chips left in them. Several police officers were sickened by eating the bad goodies but fortunately, they are all going to recover. The police officers were told the cookies were from Mothers Against Drunk Drivers. They might not have eaten them if they had been told that they were from a crazy cop hating teen. I am grateful that despite having eating bad treats, none of the cops was seriously injured but it is sad that these cops will probably never accept a cookie from a stranger again. I wonder what they will charge him with assault and batter.

Source: http://www.thedenverchannel.com/health/16825529/detail.html

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Should I?

I have been toying with the idea of signing up with blog ads on my little blog in the hopes of earning a penny or two. What I would like to know has anyone else done it, does it work, if you do it are you a sell out or an arrogant jerk? Really, some advice out there would be really appreciated before I go and do something stupid. Not that I cannot do something stupid without your advice but it is always easier to explain that they made me do it. So please comment away should I do it or not?

Oh, say can you please sing the words correctly?

There is some controversy brewing in Denver tonight. Denver’s Mayor John Hickenlooper had invited jazz singer Rene Marie to sing the national anthem at the State of the City address on Tuesday. She had other plans and to paraphrase her; she felt the national anthem did not represent her as a black female in America. Knowing that had she approached the mayor or anyone else with her desire to sing a song that did represent her as a black American women she would have been told “No.” she kept that little bit of information to herself and surprised everybody buy singing the national black anthem instead of the national anthem. There were many unhappy people including the Mayor who said he felt he had been deceived. Well yes, she deceived everybody. When confronted with her deceit her explanation was an artist has to do what an artist has to do and no she is not sorry and yes, she would do it again.

It is amazing the arrogance shown when asked to perform for the mayor at a city event to use that as a platform to express her self. If she felt that the song did do not represent who she is she should have politely declined and they could have chosen a different singer one who knows the words to the national anthem and express her self some where else. I would like to share parts of the article from The Denver News channel.com but they wont let me copy right laws and such so instead I will provide the link to you so you can read the story in its entirety. http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/16773120/detail.html I think I can do that. What is interesting to note is that the web site has posted a survey to ask the question was it inappropriate of her to sing a different song then the one she agreed to sing, so far over 3000 people have voted and 80% say yes it was indeed inappropriate to a tiny 20% who say no it was not inappropriate. You would think with the sentiment this heavily against her she might reconsider and say she was sorry but apparently not. One thing we know with absolute certainty is she will not be invited back to sing and the next singer will be carefully screened to make sure that they know the words to the song and actually pan to sing the song. I would volunteer but I cannot carry a tune in a bucket.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Olly, olly oxen free.

I really did not want to redo lesson six and I was dreading the prospect like I dread going to the dentist so as I lay awake last night thinking about it and I knew that I had answered four of the five questions and I left question three blank because I had not understood it and had been thinking about it trying to formulate an answer .I knew I had saved that much of the lesson and then I finally bought the text book for the class and wow it made everything clearer and I was able to answer the third questions which I did and I know I saved . That why I was so surprised when I went back and there was nothing there when I know had saved it at least two times. How it could be entirely erased? I traced my steps back and found the receipt for the textbook; it was purchased on June 24t at 5:54 pm. Knowing this I reasoned that I would have read the chapter the next day and completed the assignment soon there after. I again searched the computer for documents but this time I searched by the date it was modified and found a document that was modified on June 25th at 9:19 in the morning. That seemed promising but it was saved under word and not under Microsoft word, which is where the program originated from but I checked it any way and located under a file labeled word document 2 was my file, which should have been under Microsoft word labeled EDU 251 lesson 6. How it got there and was renamed, I have no clue but it was there in all its saved glory and I don't have to redo it! I have forgiven my computer and now know that it was just playing hide and seek with me. Sneaky computer.