What is red, white, and sore all over?

The answer would be me. I took the kids over to my friend’s house for lunch and a swim yesterday. My friend and fellow lunch lady watches her granddaughter a couple of days a week. She thought this would be a good opportunity for them to get together because they are very close in age. My son was included and came along as well for part of the time. He had arranged with a neighbor friends to have his mom pick him up at my friends house take them to another friends house where they could swim at his pool and I would pick him up and bring him and his friend home afterwards. It worked out quite nicely.

After a very tasty hot dog lunch, the children ran to the pool and I changed into my swimsuit and joined them. We were floating around when one of the little girls yelled, “Spider ginormouse spider. “ I hate spiders but I am thinking ginormouse is like the size of the end of my pinkie. My son swims over to where the spider is near the pools drain inlet thing. He called out to me, “mom you have to see this thing.” I’m thinking you big baby and I swim over to see what I think is a little spider and I swear from like three feet away I see this thing its light brown and the size of a small crab.

I mean it is huge and scary and I do not want to get anywhere near it. My friend comes out, we tell her, she backs up, and she is not even in the water. She asks my son to get something and kill it. My son backs further away form the spider and joins the girls. He does this for their protection from the spider. Yeah that’s why. That leaves me to tackle and kill this beast. I ask her to hand me my daughter’s shoes a pink plastic shoe with a sturdy sole just right for dispatching spiders to spider hell or so I hope. I approach the spider slowly, I place the shoe beneath its body, and I prepare to strike only to have it jump away scary me and everyone around me who scream, “Did it go down the drain”. “Nope its right here I’ll try again” I bravely reply and this time its on the side and I place the shoe over but I have to press really hard because its really big and its gross and then I swear it went crunch. I scrape the shoe on the ground and leave bug guts. The spider is dead and my friend asks my son if she gets him a paper towel will he wiped it up and throw it away. My son backs even further away from the spider. I wipe it up and hand her the remains and she throws it away and only then does she enter the pool.

I then spent the next few hours basking in the glory of my awesome spider killing abilities and burning to a crisp. If you want, to know what I looked like picture a ripe red tomato with blond hair and that is me.

I dyed it for my Vegas trip which when I get the pictures back from my friend I will write all about but just so you know it was the best time I have ever had with people I am not related to. I forgot you could still be burned even when you are submerged in the water. I had forgotten how bad a sunburn feels became normally I shun the sun because I burn easily. However, the sunburn has reminded me how much I dislike people who think it is somehow very funny to slap sunburn. Why do they do that? It hurts people OK don’t do it. In fact, I am thinking of starting an awareness group and calling it PPASS or pasty people against sunburn slappers. I am think of this for our slogan, don’t be an ass support PPASS. What do you think?